7 Signs of an Emotionally Skilled Partner
It’s not easy to be the perfect partner.
Actually, let me rewrite that one. It’s impossible. No-one can claim that title. And if they try to? Well, let’s just say you’ve been warned.
Everyone knows the value of emotional intelligence (EQ) in relationships —it can influence trust, communication, intimacy and conflict resolution. Couples who function well and happily together, one partner — or often both — will be emotionally skilled.
Put another way, without some level of EQ, you will struggle. Disagreements will blow out into massive fights, distance will creep in and anxiety will hold your hand throughout the relationship.
Our base temperaments and early environments play a role in developing emotional skill but, luckily, that’s not the end of it — not by a long shot. We can keep honing and working on emotional skills throughout life.
Here’s a way to check in on how you’re doing.
7 Signs of an Emotionally Skilled Partner
“Let’s not forget that the little emotions are the great captains of our lives and we obey them without realizing it.” — Vincent van Gogh
1. You stay out of your cave.
You’re emotionally available. Yes, there are times when you need some peace and quiet, you need to withdraw from the world (and even your partner) a little. But you don’t sulk. You don’t vanish into the cave with your laptop and an armload of takeout and set up your life in there, leaving your partner to worry about you — and try to work out what’s going on. When it counts, you are present and open — and you have the emotional language to tell your partner what’s up. And when they’re struggling you step up in support.
2. You “get” yourself.
You’re self-aware. When your emotions are rock and rolling, when you’re responding to a situation in a certain way, you know what’s going on. You understand your triggers, your vulnerabilities, the situations that are tough for you and those in which you thrive. In other words, you’re not an emotional surprise package to yourself. You know what’s inside the box — and you’re okay with it.
3. You have a flexible (but not extreme) emotional range.
You can express a range of feelings appropriately. You can be vulnerable when you need to be. You’re not afraid to show sadness or frustration or fear, but your emotions are not all of the negative variety. You can also show joy, you can laugh freely. Being able to express positive emotion is healthy too. I once worked with a man who’d lost the ability to laugh in his early teens, around the time his dad died. Perhaps not surprisingly, he lived with a low level chronic depression. I recall the shock — a kind of guilty pleasure — on his face when he began to laugh again.
00000
4. You can (fully) understand your
partner’s perspective.
Which means you listen. Properly. With both ears and without scrolling your phone. You wait until your partner’s finished speaking before jabbing your own view into the conversation. But understanding your partner’s perspective is about more than listening. It’s about being open-minded and empathetic, being able to look at the world (and yourself) through your partner’s eyes — and accepting their view is different from yours. It’s an extremely tough skill to get right every time — if you have it, go to the top of the class.
5. A fight doesn’t derail you (and your relationship).
You fight fair. You don’t get mean. You don’t make it personal. You don’t blame and shame. You can take fair criticism without going into a tailspin. You can apologise sincerely when you know you’ve done something wrong — and you don’t take days to get around to it. When the two of you get into conflict, it’s not a disaster: You don’t immediately think of breaking up (again). You’re able talk and to find a healthy way forward.
6. Your partner knows who’s coming home to them.
You’re emotionally consistent (within reason). When you get upset, there’s a good reason for it. Your partner doesn’t feel a knot of anxiety when they’re approaching you. They don’t have to shape their life around your moods. They don’t live in fear of your anger. You’re easy, reliable company. They know who they’re coming home to — and that makes them feel good.
7. You believe you’re a worthy partner.
Not in a gloating, anyone-could-have-me kind of way. You just know you’re a good person, in the relationship with both feet, trying to be a better one. You don’t beat up on yourself (okay, maybe only a little bit) but — overall — you think your partner is as lucky to have you as you are to have them.
Thanks for reading! Join my email list here if you’re interested in practical psychology for everyday life.
تعليقات
إرسال تعليق